Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize