I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
