Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize