you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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