1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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