Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize