how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
