He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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