rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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