Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
