We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
