I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize