so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I checked into jail on foursquare
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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