I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
