my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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