The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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