If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
