he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
