he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
