I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
