This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
