dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
