Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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