So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
