Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
