i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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