Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
