Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
