Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
