you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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