it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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