theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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