grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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