Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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