can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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