I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
