I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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