does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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