My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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