sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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