the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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