I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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