Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
