He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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