I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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