I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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