Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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