so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
