they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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