So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
