You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
