We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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