If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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