maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
