i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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