I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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