Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
