New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
