Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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