Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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