WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
