You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
