o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize