this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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