I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
