I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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