When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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