i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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