he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
