I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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